Revised Opinion: Spoilers for the new Star Wars Movie, which Sucks

The new Star Wars COMPLETELY SUCKS.

We went back on Saturday. I knew we were in trouble when I looked over at Tim during a scene in The House of Five Phalluses--er, Jedi Temple.

[Gaussian Blue Anakin kneels in obeisance to The Gaussian Blue Emperor ]

Obi Wan (noticeably aggrieved) : I can't watch anymore.

Tim (noticeably bored) : That makes three of us.


I was minorly bothered that during the execution of Order 66 (hmmmm.....who's got the other 6? Is the Emperor so evil that he's keeping the third "6" up his sleeve for a rainy day?), the Storm Troopers Mark Orange killed Obi Wan's Lizard Horse Thing with impunity. Dude, that animal did nothing but get Ewan McGregor around the Giant Hole Kingdom in style. Not to mention that he had a really nifty ululation going. I can see killing Obi Wan, because he's kind of smart-ass, and he has encouraged the furtherance of Breck Girl's Pursuit of Glory At Any Price. But the Lizard Horse did nothing wrong.


Tim and I were both majorly bothered that during several quiet (i.e. Natalie Portman "acting") moments, some younger-than-13 year old child kept asking plantively for Darth Vader.

The Villain.

The Bad Man.

The Personification of Evil.

The Guy Who Killed A Bunch Of Children and Strangled His Own Pregnant Wife.

I realize now, upon the second viewing of this Magnum Oprah, that we have effectively sat through 8 hours of Good Will Vader. It's not his fault that he's a bad man, see. He was bound in slavery, and then warped by the whims of a dictator. All he wanted to do was save the women he loved from death. There is no true evil, only pragmatic angles with which to view the various problems of life. The flip side of the coin is that there is no true good, either. The Jedi are all shown in this trilogy as compromised in their abilities and compromising in their values. This Order of Righteousness we viewed with great esteem after the first 3 pictures has now been fleshed out as a leprous body motivated by self-interest and expedience.

At one point, Samuel L. Jackson yells "Yes, they deserve to die, and I hope they burn in hell." No, wait. That was another movie. In this one he says "My loyalty is to the Republic!" This apparently makes him better than someone who's loyalty is to the Empire. Why, we are never clear. What is the great liberty of the Republic, and how has it better served the people than the Empire? No, I am most decidedly not a person who favours empires. My rebellous Hugenot and Welsh ancestors would spin on their pyres. I am, however, someone who believes that there is more to aspire to than systems of government, for there is more to heaven and earth than is dreamt of in their philosophy.

That's the problem with the Star Wars World, now fully extant through canon. There is no Higher and there is no Lower. No Satan, no God. When I was 12 I wanted to live in that world. At 35 I am so thankful that I don't.