30 September, 2005

Useless Information About Me

It's Friday officially and I've turned in the rough draft of my latest objet d'art so I'm free to junk up my blog with one of those things where you post useless facts about yourself as though you were someone important on the world stage. Like Gore Vidal.

I've made this one up. I'm calling it


Ten Questions To Your Inner Gore Vidal

1. Which Historical Figure do you think is probably not gay but would make for great gossip if they were?
Answer: Adam Smith. Gives a whole new spin on the Stock Exchange.

2. Why was plaid ever fashionable outside of the Scottish Highlands?
Answer: Built-in obsolescence in the upholstery trade.

3. Would you buy used underwear?
Answer: Depends on what it was used for. I definitely wouldn't care for it if it were like those old cloth diapers my mom used to polish furniture. They smell lemony and are shiny.

4. Is the consumption of Maggie Moo's Ice Cream sometimes really just like eating lard?
Answer: So what if it is? It's darn good lard. Have YOU ever had lard that tasted like cake batter? That's some fine use of science, my friend.

5. Who was your favourite teacher and why?
Answer: Pai Mei from Kill Bill Vol. 2 because he totally made Uma Thurman look like crap and eat her rice like a dog. And the way he smacked up Daryl Hannah totally made Jackson Browne look like a bitch.

6. What is your dream?
Answer: That I go to a mexican restaurant and they have to seat us in the courtyard because of a Hustle contest going on in the main dining area. They then seat two foreigners at our table who proceed to whip out the arms of a small child and snack on them. The waitress then apologises and offers to bring us our fajitas for free. I want to leave but my companion only wants the free fajitas. What does it all mean?

7. What is the funniest word you know?
Answer: Drambouie. I can't say it without laughing like I'm already drunk on the stuff.

8. Why do you have a crush on Abraham Lincoln?
Answer: Because he's extremely tall, smart and funny. He has a good work ethic and was fully able to be married to a crazy woman for decades. I'd look dandy compared to Mary Todd.

9. Socks or pantyhose?
Answer: Both. Nothing says "frumpy lady resting between morning and evening church" like that fashion statement.

10. What, besides the Gay History and Abraham Lincoln questions, did this have to do with Gore Vidal?
Answer: Absolutely nothing. It's just that his name makes me laugh as hard as 'drambouie'. It sounds like a sequel to the Chucky movies, yet he's a serious scholar and author. That's funny. To me. At 1:00 in the morning.

6 Comments:

At 10:45 AM, September 30, 2005, Anonymous Sarcastro said...

1. Arnold Schwarzenegger.
2. It was? When?
3. Whose underwear? Sophia Loren's? Definitely. The Homeless Guy? No, thank you.
4. That Cake Batter is good. Plus, the money doesn't go to undermine our way of life.
5. Pamela Rogers Turner. See her entry at Wikipedia for details.
6. That one day I won't wake up because it turns out that this life is the dream and the one I think I'm dreaming is reality.
7. Nothing funnier in word and deed than 'queef'.
8. I don't, but apparently Julia Roberts did at some point.
9. Socks for your feet, panyhose for over the head when robbing convenience stores.
10. I'm a bastard descendant of Aaron Burr.

Whaddya mean this wasn't meant to be a quiz for everyone?

 
At 11:51 AM, September 30, 2005, Blogger Kat Coble said...

I CANNOT believe you had the temerity to utter the word "queef" on my blog.

That is just nasty.

 
At 12:02 PM, September 30, 2005, Anonymous Sarcastro said...

I pretty much just typed the word. No utterances were involved.

With any luck the number of hits you get will now dramatically rise as the google searches for 'queef' will land a certain subspecies of human at your blog's door.

See what happens when I don't have to leave the office?

 
At 12:13 PM, September 30, 2005, Blogger Kat Coble said...

Great.

Let's up my odds by using other words like "titty" and "bareback".

 
At 6:08 PM, October 02, 2005, Anonymous tom said...

Oh My Lands!

You are too funny. I didn't even know what a queef was until I was 25. I'm sorry that I know what it is now.

Do you care if I send the questions to my friends? I'll omit the answers. The questions are just too hilarious.

 
At 6:37 PM, October 02, 2005, Blogger Kat Coble said...

Tom,
I'd love to see what your friends have to say.

 

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