29 September, 2006

How To Tell People You're Pregnant, Part II

Ever since I wrote the previous post about telling people you're pregnant without them wanting to kill you, I've gotten all kinds of hits. Many people are googling "how to tell pregnant" and coming here. Each day I get at least two visitors, and at least 10 google hits for this.

It would seem that fertility of body does not necessarily equal fertility of imagination. So for those of you looking for fantastic and clever ways of announcing your successful meeting of sperm and egg, I give you the following tips. Some of these are my own, some have been gleaned through many years of spending time on fertility groups. I claim the good ones. The others are someone else's fault. Naturally.

Say It With Food

Fix the unknowing partner a delightful meal of baby back ribs, baby carrots, and baby corn. Set a vase of baby's breath on the table. Wait for him to figure it out. When he doesn't, dissolve into a pile of tears while wondering how you could have allowed such an ignorant fool to impregnate you. Cry some more while pondering what kind of selfish child you're about to bring into the world. When your befuddled mate asks you what's wrong, simply scream "I'm pregnant, you idiot!!!!" through your tears.

Say It With A Romantic Fire

Build a roaring fire in your fireplace, and open a bottle of sparkling cider. Softly lean in toward your partner and lovingly kiss him. As the fire dies, continue to stoke the flames with now-useless brochures for expensive trips you will no longer be able to take. When your mate begins to wonder why you just set fire to your Cozumel plane tickets, dissolve into a pile of tears. How could you have become pregnant by a man who doesn't understand that e-Tickets have largely negated the need for paper ticketing anyway and that thing you burned is easily replacable at no cost to you. When your mate asks what's wrong, simply scream "I'm pregnant, you idiot!!!!" through your tears.

Say It With Jewelry

Take three pregnancy tests. When they all come up Positive, wear one as a pendant and the other two as earrings. Wait for your mate to notice. When he instantly catches on, dissolve into tears at the thought of the fact that he seems a lot less happy than you thought he would. When he asks what's wrong, simply scream "I'm pregnant, you idiot!! And I smell vaguely like my own pee!!!" through your tears.

There you go, folks. Those ideas should get you started.


At 12:57 PM, September 30, 2006, Blogger Amy said...


At 4:29 PM, April 02, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Haha, these were better than your first ones.

At 9:22 PM, November 21, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

awesome.. I want to wear a pendant of pee'd on sticks :)


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