11 October, 2005

Four Legs Good, Two Kids--Better

I've been in church for most of my life. There were a few years there in my twenties when I got burnt out on Orders of Worship and thought God was experienced just as easily by sleeping in on Sunday Mornings. (It is a day of rest...) Now that I'm old enough to be President, I'm back in church and growing more active in my involvement. Hey, with incentives like Porn Sunday, who can pass it up?

With churches in all 50 States it seems that there are a few unavoidable constants. Jello at carry-ins, the passing of offering plates and the unwritten hierarchy of social acceptance. I've talked to people in all denominations--Southern Baptist and Church of Christ, what else is there?--and had my suspicions confirmed. I present to you the following Chart of Church Member Celebrity Value. See where you score!

First Time Visitor +10
Visting Family of Current Member +1
Female Single Adult under 25 +2
Male Single Adult under 25 +5
Male Single Adult under 25 not trying to break into the music business +30
Female Single Adult over 25 +1
Male Single Adult over 25 not living with his parents or delivering pizza as sole source of income +20
Married couple, no children +5
Married couple with children +25

Once you have your base score, you can alter it with the following life events:
Get Pregnant the Ordinary Way +2
Get Pregnant Scientifically +5
Adopt a baby of your same racial mix +5
Adopt a baby of a different racial mix +5 for non-Chinese +20 for Chinese
Have Baby +30 (and increase your base score if you initially had no kids.)
Work In The Nursery +5
Work At Other Children's Events +1 per event (take +1 for each day of VBS worked).
Teach Children's Sunday School +2
Sing in the choir in any other city but Nashville +1
Sing in the choir in Nashville +3
Make something homemade for a carry-in +1
Bring a bucket of KFC to a carry-in +5
Bring something from the Kroger Deli to a carry-in -3
Bring your 5 kids and a 2-liter of Big K Cola (only) to a carry-in -6
Take a Short-term Missions trip +5

Katherine: Hovering around a 2 or 3. I keep bringing Kroger Potato Salad.

25 Comments:

At 10:33 PM, October 11, 2005, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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At 10:34 PM, October 11, 2005, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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At 10:39 PM, October 11, 2005, Blogger Kat Coble said...

I some how doubt that my blog is anywhere NEAR as "entertaining and educational" as something dealing with penis pills.

 
At 10:49 PM, October 11, 2005, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is the funniest thing I've read in a long time. LMAO. And SOOOOO true. You should add on there +50 for single males who don't live at the mission. ;)

Lacy

 
At 5:57 AM, October 12, 2005, Blogger Paul Chenoweth said...

This hits wayyyy to close to home (laughing uncontrolably)...and you know, deep down in your heart that there are more that need to be added.

 
At 7:15 AM, October 12, 2005, Blogger Aunt B said...

Is a carry-in the same as a potluck? If so, I'm totally sending this to my dad so that he can score his congregation during slow points at board meetings.

 
At 9:08 AM, October 12, 2005, Blogger Patrick said...

More base:

Married Male Senior Adult +1
Married Female Senior Adult +1

More alterations:

Spouse deceased +5
Spouse deceased and you're still eye candy at 75 +25
Spouse deceased and left you millions +125

 
At 9:20 AM, October 12, 2005, Blogger Kat Coble said...

B, that's funny. When I first moved here NO ONE KNEW what a Potluck was. So I started saying "carry-in" even though it sounds like carrion.

So yeah, they're the same thing.

 
At 9:59 AM, October 12, 2005, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Okay, so it's only a site pertaining to penis pills and male enhancement. That cracked me up.

 
At 10:17 AM, October 12, 2005, Blogger Jeffrey said...

ha ha ha! too true, sadly, too true. it's just my nature to try and rack up as many negative points as possible--what can i say, i'm rebellious. Hey, how many negative points would it be for 20-70 year old "church people" who hide behind their pride and reply "fine" when asked how they're doing??

woops, did i just say that out loud? ;-)

 
At 12:07 PM, October 12, 2005, Blogger Lee said...

Same for us Lutherans, even though we are few and far between in the South. Except we're WAY more drearier than you are, and most of our hymns were written by Germans in the 1600s.

 
At 12:09 PM, October 12, 2005, Anonymous Sarcastro said...

How many points for having a to go cup full of bourbon?

 
At 12:38 PM, October 12, 2005, Blogger Lee said...

Hung over from previous night: -5 points

Still reeking from previous night: -10

 
At 2:40 PM, October 12, 2005, Blogger John H said...

You left out the +3 points if anyone asks you for your casserole recipe.

+5 if you make an mock apple pie using only graham crackers

Classic post, Katherine

 
At 2:50 PM, October 12, 2005, Anonymous Sarcastro said...

-10 points if you go to a Baptist pot luck and refer to some old woman's dish as "devil-ed eggs".

 
At 4:31 PM, October 12, 2005, Blogger Joel Maners said...

Nice post. It's pretty accurate too. The only thing I would add is something about twins. We have 3 year old twin boys and even though they behave themselves very well you can just see the fear in people's eyes when they see you coming. We always bring extra food to everything. We have to!

Remember when SNL had Dana Carvey as the Church Lady? One of the first skits they performed was her making fun of a young lady who brought a small "cherries jubilee" to a church social while the Church Lady brought a 25 quart chicken caserole. It was hilarious.

I go to a COC here in Jackson but most of the other churches don't claim us. We have too many reformed sinners for most good church folks.

 
At 11:19 PM, October 12, 2005, Anonymous tom said...

What's with that: carry-in versus potluck?

To me, potluck sounds more jovial and familial. Carry-in sounds like some chore.

By the way, I went to a small church a few months ago. How many points is it when you're the only one in the room not collecting social security?

 
At 9:21 AM, October 13, 2005, Blogger Patrick said...

Tom,

only one in attendance not collecting social security +75
with modifiers:
related to a current church member +10
not related to a current church member +15
signing any kind of visitor card or guest register +22
you don't identify yourself during the "welcome of visitors" -25 (suspicion)

which brings to mind...

only one in attendance with kids +35
only one in attendance with loud kids -5
only one in attendance with loud kids and for some unknown reason you didn't take them to the nursery during the worship service -85

and...
only one in attendance with piercings other than ear +5 (interest)
only one in attendance with piercings other than ear carrying a big Bible and wearing a "God Ruulz!" T-shirt +10
only one in attendance with piercings other than ear carrying a pack of cigarettes and wearing a Megadeth T-shirt -75
or, depending on the church...
only one in attendance without extra piercings (everyone else has 'em) -10

This post totally needs to be syndicated.

 
At 4:40 PM, October 13, 2005, Blogger Patrick said...

Oh, and by the way, we were the ones that brought Kroger potato salad last time. :)

 
At 8:13 AM, October 14, 2005, Blogger Michael said...

Wait...where is this church with teh single ladies?

Cause I sooooooooooooo need to visit...

I mean, hi....I'm not lonely...

::slunks away in shame:::

 
At 9:35 AM, October 14, 2005, Anonymous Muffy said...

show me potato salad!!!!

 
At 10:06 AM, October 14, 2005, Blogger Aunt Lydia said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 10:06 AM, October 14, 2005, Blogger Aunt Lydia said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 10:11 AM, October 14, 2005, Blogger Aunt Lydia said...

How many points does this lady get?

 
At 9:07 AM, October 20, 2005, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, you really have a great Blog there I'm definately going to

 

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