27 June, 2006

I'm Just Sayin'

At The Materbarge on Saturday, Tim threatened to collect all the things I've written and erased to hand out at my funeral. He neglected to say what NortonBrain technology he would use to accomplish this, but the threat remains. Which leaves the impression among several kind people that I sit around and have different opinions about them than the ones they know. Not true. But in order to give you an impression of the kinds of things I write but then delete, I've decide to write these things and promise myself to not hit the delete key unless I make a typeo. Typo. Whatever.

So, on with Things I Don't Understand--The Unvarnished Truth Edition

1. Johnny Depp
Everyone thinks he's sexy because he looks dangerous, smokes black cigarettes and makes you strain to hear him talk. I do not think he's sexy. I think it is only a mysterious twist of fate that has kept him from being the guy who makes my sandwich at Jersey Mike's. Then again, he's also got that effete sort of look that has never appealed to me. He seems about as physically substantial as a wad of used tissue. I like my men by the yard. Great towering muscular edifices of testosterone. None of this whispy-hair/can't grow a mustache kind of "touch me gently, Robbie" sort of sexuality. I want a man who looks like he has a blue ox and a paper towel empire. (Lucky I got one already.)

2. Who The Heck Hits Those Paypal Donate Buttons on Blogs
It's the fargin' internet. The only things people pay for on the internet should be nakie butts, books and stamps. Who gives some joker a bunch of money just because they like what that joker yodelled into the keyboard? I mean, geez. Okay, so I've donated a couplea times to people who either entertain me with their talent or woo me with their great need. Yeah, there are times when I'd rather give cash to a friend in need than buy a sandwich at Jersey Mike's (made by Johnny Depp.) But still. I've seen different people with paypal buttons on their blogspot blogs and I think "Dude, you've got a free blog host. Bandwidth is so not a problem. Why with the hand out? Are you the Feds? Get off my land!" And then I realise they're not actually on my land. But still. And then I secretly think "hey, maybe I should put a paypal button on my blog and see who throws the coin my way." And then I feel like the one whore on the street corner that even the drunk guys pass by because I know that people won't donate. And then I think "why do I want to make people think I'm like the Feds and be screaming 'Get off my land' at me? This is a fun blog. It is not Wal-mart. I am not a going concern." And then I think "I wonder if I will ever get paid for published work or if I've let too many people suckle freely at my teats." And then I realise that I just wanted to say "teats" on my blog and tick off my mother. And then I realise that even though some cows give their milk for free, guys eventually buy them. At least in the final season of popular HBO serieses anyway.

3. Who Hires The Boys At My Jersey Mikes?
I live in Hermitage, Tennessee. It's nowhere in the large scheme of things. I don't even think that Australian woman who just married that one country star who needs a bath knows where Hermitage is. And she's all about all things Nashville now that she's got her a real man and not some short gay dude who just wants to beard her out. Anyway, over here in podunk 'Tage Mahal we've got this one Jersey Mike's that I swear hires celebrity lookalikes to make their sandwiches. It started with this one dude who looks exactly like Elijah Wood in a blue apron holding a hunk of provolone. And then the last time I was in there there was a dude who looked exactly like Vin Diesel in a blue apron holding a hunk of cappacoulo. I always called that meat "kapaCOElow" but then I saw Sopranos and they pronounced it something like "Gabbaghoul" and I thought Wow, Italians have a neater way of saying that word, and I've tried to mimic it ever since, but BlueApronVin and BlueApronElijah just stare at me like I'm nuts. And then the last time I was in there they've hired another guy who looks like Eminem the rapper not the candy with feet and sneakers in the commercials. Wouldn't it be funny if the Real Slim Shady was some dude making sandwiches? And how cool would it be to have someone fry your bacon in advance at home so when you wanted bacon on your sandwich you just had to pull a few slices off the wax paper? That's BAEminem's job at my Jersey Mike's.

4. James Lipton

5. Black Market Blue Balls
Whoa. Did I promise not to hit the delete key? I think I did. Man, I wish I hadn't made that promise because when my mom and dad and sister-in-law and brother read this they'll all be like "do you believe what Kathy (they still call me that and I go 'who?' every time because it doesn't sound like 36 year old me. It sounds like 14 year old me. but whatever) said on that blog about Rush Limbaugh?" Cause I know we shouldn't talk about it but how funny is it that he was detained at the airport for having non-perscription viagra? I mean, come on. Dude has like 45 different doctors that he'll scam out of major Hillbilly Herion and other narcotics but is there no medical professional to whom he can spill his woes about the lack of Rush to his Limb-augh? Like, can't you just say "Dr. Dude, I'm stressed and can't get up. Please write me a scrip for the Blue Penis Gold." How hard is that? To say, I mean. Obvioiusly it isn't hard at all, and that's the problem. And why oh why oh why can't I hit the delet key? What was I thinking? Whatever. It's cathartic in a way. But yes, I shouldn't make fun of Rush's Very Serious Medical Condition and I know athletes and Ozzy Osbourne and many other men over a certain age need that little extra bounce in their step. I get it. And I'm pleased for all their wives that these men are still thinkin' about the home fires and willing to swallow their pride and ask their doctors to kick things up a notch. But to get it on the black market, when for years you've had NO PROBLEM AT ALL ASKING FOR SERIOUS DRUGS FROM A JABILLION DOCTORS? Irony is funny. And how much would I have LOVED to be the person who got to say "I'm sorry, Mr. Limbaugh, but you can't take off because of the pills you bought to, er, take off." That had to be a good moment for someone.

Anyway, I better stop now because soon I'll be elaborating on things and get myself all up in the trouble.


At 9:31 AM, June 27, 2006, Blogger SistaSmiff said...

I think Johnny Depp also looks like he could stand a shower.

I give Mr. and Mrs. Urban a year. Maybe two.

At 10:14 AM, June 27, 2006, Blogger Chance said...

It's the fargin' internet.

Such language. Good thing you normally restrain yourself. If this blog had a TV rating, it just jumped to Y7.

At 10:23 AM, June 27, 2006, Blogger P. K. Nail said...

I've been in love with Johnny Depp since I was nine. So talented and so pretty.

But I'm with you on James Lipton. I love his show, but only for the personalities he interviews. He's just bizarre. I'll never forget his interview with Kevin Spacey where he talked about American Beauty and made the gosh-awful pun "Les is more." Just ... bleurgh!

At 12:24 PM, June 27, 2006, Anonymous PerryS said...

Hilarious! I will never think of Jersey Mike's without flashing on Johnny Depp now.

At 12:58 PM, June 27, 2006, Blogger Kat Coble said...

So talented and so pretty.

I'm just not into guys who can be described as 'pretty', I guess.

I get that some people are. Which is good, because it leaves more rough-hewn handsome dudes for me.

At 1:54 PM, June 27, 2006, Blogger Casey said...

I get that some people are. Which is good, because it leaves more rough-hewn handsome dudes for me.

How many you think you'll be needing?

At 2:05 PM, June 27, 2006, Blogger Kat Coble said...

I guess I'm good with just one.

At 10:03 PM, June 28, 2006, Blogger Emmett B said...

Black market blue balls? You know I've spent quite a bit of time pondering who would buy such items since reading this. possible answers include:
1. They're cheaper?
2. They think that they will have more sex more times than a doctor could legally write a prescription for the drugs.
3. They are so used to using illegal drugs that they think that every drug they want is illegal.


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