27 July, 2005

12 Steps for BookAHolics

Inspired by Big Orange Michael, I have compiled the simple Recovery Program for Bookaholics. There CAN be liberation from our sad problem!

1. Admit you have a problem.
-Do you have more than 5 books in your TBR pile?
-Do you have your library card number memorized?
-Have you ever passed up a night of heavy drinking to stay home and "finish this one so you can start this other one?"
-Have you ever emailed an author? Repeatedly?
-Do you talk about Harry and Ginny, Charles and Mallory, Lord Peter and Ender Wiggen as though they are close friends or family members?

2. Believe in a Higher Power
Hint: Publishers, Agents, Editors and Authors do not count for this category.

3. Make a decision to turn your life over to God, as you understand Him.
Hint: If you have chosen "Jeff Bezos" for this step, you must go back to Step 1 and start over.

4. Admit the exact nature of your wrongs
-Spending grocery money on impulse paperbacks.
-Covertly destroying the history file on your browser so that family members won't releaze you've spent three hours at www.barnesandnoble.com
-Reading the latest Frank Peretti novel during Church. Christian author or no, you still should have listened to the sermon.

5. Be entirely honest.
-Admit that you don't really care for Anna Karenina and find it pretentious
-Admit that you look forward to the next Patricia Cornwell, if only to see how strange she's gotten.
-Admit that you don't like Jonathan Kellerman's Author Photos ever since he shaved his 'stache.
-Admit that you don't finish every book you review on Amazon, but you still post reworked jacket copy . (This is the special Harriet Klausner Step!!!!)

6. Be ready to have God remove your shortcomings.

Hint: If you are weeping at the thought of giving up your library card, you must go to step 1 and start over.

7. Ask God to remove your shortcomings

Hint: Slow reading and peeking at the end of the book do not count.

8. Identify people you may have hurt.
-Family members whose weddings you have missed to go to Book Release Parties
-Librarians who are constantly overworked by filling your special orders.
-The UPS man who has to lug the Amazon packages to your front door.
-Everyone you've ever mentally assasinated for dogearing pages and cracking spines.

9. Make direct amends wherever possible.

-Buy plants or gift certificates to restaurants. Resist the temptation to buy those cute B&N gift cards, even though they have your favourite characters on them.

10. Take personal inventory and admit when you are wrong.
-If you take more books than pieces of lingerie on vacation with your husband, there may be lingering issues.
-If your kids are still eating Cap'n Crunch for dinner on occasion because you have to find out how Reacher gets out of the latest impossible trap, you may be in the wrong.

11. Continued prayer and meditation.
Hint: It is best if these are free-form and not from a book. Yes, Dr. Johnson wrote many lovely prayers. However, it is best to move away from the source of your problems.

12. Spiritual Awakening

-You are now able to buy a purse that isn't big enough to hold a paperback.
-You are now able to cancel your membership to www.audible.com.
-You are now able to quit trolling www.bookcrossing.com for obscure new reads.
-You are now able to wait for paperback releases on Harlen Coben and Preston/Childs.
-You are now able to throw away junk mail, and not use it for bookmarks.

These days of freedom will come for us all.


At 1:19 PM, July 27, 2005, Blogger melusina said...

But I don't have a problem!

Of course, this might be why the mailman has been errant with our mail delivery of late. He got tired of the 5 book packages from Amazon.uk and Play.com

At 4:38 PM, July 27, 2005, Anonymous Muffy said...

Remus once told me he can't stand name droppers.


At 10:19 AM, July 28, 2005, Blogger Michael said...


That just cracked me up. Loved it!

And now the serious question--have you been following me around secretly?!? Caues I swear that a couple of those steps are right out of my life...I mean, the life of a freind of mine..yeah, a friend..that's it.



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