29 March, 2006

A Confession Re. My Baser Nature

Firstly, I must make a disclaimer. Not every post i write this week is going to include men I find sexy. But to answer the commenters on the previous: Steve Jobs. Duh.

There are no men I find sexy within the contents of this post. I would like to see Ty Pennington's Linus, though. Right before I Bobbit it with a dull, rusty blade.

This morning, NiT linked to a post by everyone's favourite snarky bastige, Sarcastro. The gist: Someone at The Smoking Gun has unearthed ABC's psycho-vulture wishlist for its next season of smarm generousity. Sar laments all who watch the show for our willingness to have our tearducts played with such virtuousity by the Grief Vampires at the Alphabet network.

But there's something that critics of us viewers don't understand. Some of us--like me--watch the show largely for the snark value. After two years of sitting through it, I have made some observations:

1. 90% of the time, if the lucky family is black, at least one member will scream and fall down in the street when they move that bus.

2. 90% of the time, if the lucky family is white, at least one member of the family will act as if they've received nothing more special than a brand new issue of TV Guide.

3. There is always some asinine reason for one of the "designers" to buy nonsense crap at Sears.

4. That one big designer guy (Preston?) will touch every female gift recepient a disproportionate amount. He thinks it's comforting. To the rest of us it looks more than slightly predatory.

5. As the show has progressed the families look more disappointed by not receiving the "extra" gifts. ABC has tapered off the pay-off-your-mortgage-send-all-the-kids-to-college goodies, and the new kids are pissed.

6. The show will trot out that Sweet Alice dame at every available opportunity.

7. Whenever the family members are "big fans" of some c-list entertainer the show will bring that entertainer to the house for a free concert/skateboard park construcion/other deal but only when the family is away on their vacation. This is the most dumbass thing they do, as far as I'm concerned. "Hey, I know you guys are big fans of Little Richard! Guess what! He was here yesterday playing "Tutti Frutti" for us on our lunch break! Isn't that cool? Too bad you missed it. How's Hilton Head?"

There are so many more reasons to both love and hate the show, but I haven't got all day. I do look forward to next year's exploitation of blind children with progeria.


At 2:42 PM, March 29, 2006, Anonymous Sarcastro said...

I want to see Extreme Home Makeover: Tod Browning Edition.

Wherein the midget and his side show pals gets their home made over while he falls in love with the beautiful designer chick. She marries him for his money while carrying on shamelessly with the hunky carpenter behind the midget's back. The freaks find out about it and hunt her down during a driving rain storm. As the unfaithful Paige or Constance, I can never remember, stumbles through all the useless crap that had been delivered by Sears, the freaks chant "One of Us! One of Us! Gooba gabba! Gooba Gabba!" as they track her through the muddy jobsite. Her final fate and that of the carpenter can only be revealed to a paying audience.

At 2:46 PM, March 29, 2006, Blogger Kat Coble said...

No pun intended but that movie freaks me out. It's as bad as clowns and dummies.

At 4:46 PM, March 29, 2006, Blogger Patrick said...

1. Oh so totally! I love it when that happens.

On the Sears thing, I really have to admit that my perception and overall opinion of Sears as "a place to shop for people like me" (to use a tried and true survey phrase) has skyrocketed. They, meaning both EM:HE and the Sears marketing department, have done a stellar job of pointing out the variety and quality of things you can get at Sears.

I do, however, miss the soothing ascending-descending sixths of the "softer side of Sears" jingle.

At 3:26 PM, March 30, 2006, Blogger Malia said...

There was an episode recently where a family was living in a double-wide business trailer. Ty's "secret" project was to renovate the trailer (still positioned on the same land, next great big EM:HE McMansion) and give it to a friend of the mom of this show's family. The mom of the family receiving the tricked-out double wide was definitely grateful, her kids though were obviously disappointed to be coming in second place. :-p That sort of goes with your #5. Instead of just being grateful they seemed (to me, at least) to less than thrilled.

At 3:35 PM, March 30, 2006, Blogger Kat Coble said...

That episode was on when I was in the hospital and high on morphine.

I really kept thinking that perhaps it was the morphine but those people looked PISSED about the trailer home.


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