Worryin' My Pretty Little Head

I was reading the most recent thing written by Aunt B. about feminism and the patriarchy, when I was struck by a theory.

I'll try to make this brief.

I think many men are made uncomfortable by women asking for equality not because of how they feel about women but because of how they feel about men.

An anecdote:

Bunch of us are standing around the coffee pot. I am there not because I drink coffee but because I've realised that all of the really good internal connections at this company are made at this coffee pot between 8:35am and 9:10am. I am one to automatically dislike corporate gamesmanship, preferring to be recognised solely on the merits of my work. But I'm also no longer 18, and realise that such idealism is crap. So here I am at the coffee pot.

Today's discussion is about the latest exploits of the wives of my boss and his boss--who are good friends. It's some nonsense about Children's Jazz Dance Competition or another such activity. Usually I keep my mouth shut. (Okay. What a lie. I never keep my mouth shut.) Today I say something to the effect of "is THAT what they do all day?" Because I'll be honest--I'm a bit jealous. I'm up at 7:00 to put in an at-minimum 9-hour day wearing many hats. I have no idea what it would be like to have a maid, a housekeeper, two nannies, no job and a blank check to spend how I see fit. Sounds like a nice life. Where apparantly the big stressor is hoping that your perfect blond children beat the other lady's perfect blond children at Jazz Dance Competition.

Everyone else chips in a bit of their own snarkery and ultimately it comes out from Someone Who Would Know that the Chief Boss looks down on any man whose wife works, and won't promote him. I think it through and realise that all department heads save one are a)men whose b)wives do not work. Aha!

Further conversation over the course of the next year leaks several tidbits:
a) All the men in my office except the gay or single ones wished their wives didn't have to work.
b) All the men whose wives did work felt guilty about it.
c) Most of the women (NOT ME MOST DAYS) who worked resented it.
d) Most of the women (NOT ME) who worked at this particular office did so because their husbands had some half-witted attempt at a job that didn't make any money, so they felt left to carry a load when they'd rather be home raising their kids.
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Now, I know from personal experience and long friendship that there ARE women who are doing something they love, for which they have striven many years. I just spent the evening drinking wine (she drank, I watched...I can't drink wine anymore) with a woman who has a wonderful career that thrills her.

But I do think, from the outside looking in, that many men are threatened not by women but by other men's opinion of them. I think they feel that if their wife has to work, then it speaks volumes about the man's ability to provide for his family. I don't think we women see that communicated in Guy World very often, but given the fact that it was a not-so-secret rule among the men at this company, I'd imagine it's a far more prevalent view than I had ever thought.

I respect men more than it is possible to put into words. I think they have hardships facing them on a daily basis that would terrify me. I know women have great strength in the face of overwhelming odds, but I really believe that most men stare terror in the face a lot more than we credit them with.

Just as girls can be truly hateful to each other in the cattiest and most vile ways, men know exactly how another man can be broken. And questioning a man's ability to do Man things is the quickest way. So for a woman, equality is a no-brainer. It's a "but of course I'm human so treat me like other humans" obviousness. But for many men the central question is not "are women equal?" but "Am I equal to other men?"

They have little ways to test themselves with rulers and cars and golf handicaps. But as men jocky in their lanes to prove their one-upmanship, the spillover keeps clogging the women's road to equality. The problem is fundamental and basic and I doubt it's going to go away soon.