Things That Need Banning

Last week there was much talk of the Trans-fat ban in New York City. Today there was lively conversation about a possible Nashville City Ordinance banning cigarette smoke in public places.

Proponents of the ordinance think that the ban is a good thing because of all the stricken barworkers, irritated restaurant patrons and wheezing asthmatics who would benefit from the government telling a private business how to regulate their clientele.

I think this is a good idea. In fact, I think it is such a good idea that I'm going to quit being a libertarian and start being a communitarian. All Laws That Benefit Our Community! That will be our slogan. And I have a few laws in mind that I'd like to start with.

1. Fat people should be barred from restaurants. Eating large restaurant portions is bad for one's health, and being forced to look at fat people eating makes many people nauseous. Not to mention all the waitstaff who develop tendonitis from carrying trays loaded down with all the food to be consumed by fat people.

2. Breastfeeding should be banned in public. There are a lot of germs in public, and a lot of germs on breasts and a lot of germs in babies' mouths. Breastfeeding is the quickest way to make a baby sick. It's also makes some people nauseous to see a woman breastfeeding in public. Clearly we'd all be better off if this activity were confined to cars, front porches and the insides of private homes.

3. Smoking should be banned in private homes. You never know who the home will be sold to. It's possible that the next owner may be allergic to cigarette smoke. It's also bad if there are defenseless children in the private home exposed to cigarette smoke. Clearly the only good place to smoke is a 4x4 lucite cell with no external ventilation.

4. Public toilets should be banned. What a cornucopia of germs! Do we really need constant exposure to the fecal germs of strangers?

5. Public displays of affection should be banned. With the constant threat of teen pregnancy, AIDS and other STDs , the titillation of watching people hold hands, hug and kiss in public places can prove too much for others to see. These seemingly innocent acts of affection lead inevitably forward to grave public health crises.


I realise these bans all seem harsh, but what is the government for if not to decide what is best for all of us and then curtail our lifestyles to promote the health and longevity of all citizens. Of course too much longevity also creates a public health crisis--those old people are expensive. I think we ought to ban anyone over the age of 70.