23 September, 2006

Could We Have Done Any Worse?

Twice now I've stolen blog topics from Hutch. Seriously, maybe you just ought to read his blog. But this one is too good to pass up.

It is time for the biannual event known as Bin Laden Death Rumour Time.
Although it seems with this guy the rumours of his death are repeatedly exaggerated, I wouldn't mind if this time they stuck.

I know that a lot of folks have been frustrated at Bush's lack of concern over finding that murdering sack of scum, and I share their feelings to a degree.

But I've also seen how sometimes God knows better than we do and can be capable of taking care of things without our help.

In this particular case, if this rumour is true, I think once again God has proved Himself.

Because they say that not only is the evil whackjob dead, but that he died of typhoid. As I said at Hutch's, I can think of worse ways to die. But only two. Because while being hanged, drawn and quartered is just the height of cruelty, and dying while being buried alive scares the crap out of my claustrophobic self, typhoid involves such heartwarming symptoms as body aches so bad as to make you think your body is breaking, high fever, delirium and my favourite part--literally crapping yourself to death.

The diarrhea at end-stage typhoid is so bad that in old books I've read the doctors and nurses who treated typhoid patients have described the screams of a dying patient as "the screams of hell." The diarrhea is mostly blood and pus by the end. The intestines are so weakened by the typhus that they will sometimes tear open, spilling poisonous blood, feces and pus into the abdomen, thus causing untold agony.

It's how Shakespeare died. Not that he deserved it. Although I stand by the fact that Romeo and Juliet is a sucktastic play.

But man, if we had caught Bin Laden what would we honestly have done? Given him medical care, three hots and a cot until his trial. And then he'd be in prison, or dead from lethal injection. Which, yes, I know you anti-death penalty folks think the hot shot is a pretty raw deal. But honestly, can you say that it's anywhere near as awful as your entire lower body dissolving into a puddle of pussy diarrhea?

Not that I want to rejoice in another person's pain or anything. But unlike Steve Irwin, I think that perhaps this guy had/has it coming.


At 9:16 AM, September 23, 2006, Anonymous john h said...

Hey - I'm happy for you to take my snark and run with it. You certainly 'fleshed' out the piece..graphically.

I do have to ask; are you in some kind of contest to get the word 'pussy' into your blog without touching on the sexual context of the word?

love, hutch

At 9:19 AM, September 23, 2006, Blogger Malia said...

are you in some kind of contest to get the word 'pussy' into your blog without touching on the sexual context of the word


At 9:19 AM, September 23, 2006, Blogger Kat Coble said...

Oh wow. I didn't even NOTICE that "pus"sy (filled with infectious mucous) and "pussy" (a kitty cat or a woman's genitals) were the same word.

Well, I mean I KNOW they're the same word. But in my head I was so busy saying "pus" sy that it didn't even occur to me.

Just imagine the shock some poor porn fiend will receive upon hitting this entry.

Once again, God has a sense of humour!!!!!!

At 12:25 PM, September 23, 2006, Blogger Lee said...

This would explain, if true, why he was nowhere around a video camera during the five year anniversary of 9/11.

You'd think the SOB would be gloating. (Maybe instead he's burning.)

At 1:47 PM, September 23, 2006, Blogger Kathy T. said...

I hope he did die, I hope it was painful, and I pray that his poop was full of pus for about a month before he croaked. Nasty.

At 2:17 PM, September 23, 2006, Blogger Sarcastro said...

Despite the God angle, I have to agree with you. If OBL and his A/V Club went out in a blaze of gunfire like Butch and Sundance, they would have become legends. Nothing gets the Mohammedan's blood flowing to his extremeties like the thought of martyrdom. OBL would have been lionized as fighting the infidel to his last breath. Stories would have abounded about how he killed twenty Americans before they finally cut him down with a lucky shot or a two ton bomb. His stature would only have grown had it taken the combined might of the Special Forces, French Foreign Legion and Starfleet Command to get him.

Instead, he hopefully died in a puddle of his own filth.

I can't think of a better ending.

At 9:23 PM, September 23, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey now, Kat. If you're gonna be all Eurocentric in your spelling (colour, favourite... what's next, doctour?) at least get "diarrhoea" right!


(for the record, I've always liked "colour")


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